So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
