That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He passed out mid-signature
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
