I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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