The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
