Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
