I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
