Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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