I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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