god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
