3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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