we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
