are you still at the devil's house?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
