literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
