I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
