Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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