she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
be right there i have to get my cape
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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