I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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