wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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