There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
a search helicopter?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
