I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
