HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
