I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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