I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
