im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
