her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
