moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
