Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
