my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You may now shotgun with the bride
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
