Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
