I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
