apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
