I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
