Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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