i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
