i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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