Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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