I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
