Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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