i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
