I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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