just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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