my sisters under your porch take her home
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
