FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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