I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
