Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
