Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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