I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
