you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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