it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
