She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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