Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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