I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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