I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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