I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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