i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
