New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
