as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
