Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
