Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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